life is weird. life. It;s weird. I,ts full of contradictions, fear, sadness, diss ssapointment. People leave. People hurt you. Things go wrong. You lose you

r dreams. You lose yourself. And then things happen. It's cyclic and eve

n perversely precdictable at this point. 

So there's this boy. And I'm scared he's going to break my heart. I'm sc ared that he'll leave, that WORSE: I'll lose myself. And I don't really kn

ow what to do because I don't believe in love. And I always worry over the

stupidest of things. When ihe does nt call : when it feels like he does n

*t care. It's hard to believe in anyone when you can't even believe in you

rself. It's hard to acecept and to not hurt when all you can do is expect 

and hgope and believe. 

Maybe it is just easier to leave someone before they can ever leave you. 

Maybe that's why it's easier to be with different men each night rather 

than be wiith the one man who truly matters. 

Maybe that's why it's easier to hide the pain away in drinks : in mindless 

actions; in partying. 

Maybe that's why it's easier to tell yourself that he does not care a

and that it would just be easier to walk away. 

Everyone says they want something real.

I tell myself every single day that I juust want to be happy. Happy

Happiness.

zLet it not matter that I don't make enough moeney.

Let it not matter that I dont have the flattest tummy or the thinnest l

legs. Let is not matter that I've made mistakes in my past : mitakes I wi

ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

I tell myself every day to forgive myself.

To forget about the past.

To takec care of myself.

To experience every part of life.

To learn.

To be conscious.

To respect myself.

To respe t others.

To be that kindness that I know alwats carries me through.

To just be.

Sometimes it;s just hard to listen to what you know is the right thing.